Chronicles of an Endurance Athlete's Wife

Married to an Ultra Runner

Time To Say Goodbye

This will be my last article for Chronicles of an Endurance Athlete’s Wife. It’s sorely bittersweet, but it’s time.

I started this blog six years ago while grasping for some essence of identity. I had just traded my job as a University professor in Hawaii to serve tables in the small mountain town of Flagstaff. I had recently graduated with a Masters degree but decided to forego a career in journalism in order to stay home with our (unexpected) daughter. I felt fulfilled by motherhood, but had lost a little bit of myself in its wake.

I have always been free-spirited, adventurous and eager for life experiences. And while bearing and raising children filled me with more love than I thought imaginable, I felt like I was drowning in a reservoir of selflessness with a levee on the brink of a magnificent rupture . Yes, I see how this sounds proud, but I’m sure a lot of you parents can relate. You spend your days giving- time, love, energy- and in the end there is little left for you. (ie a lot of my lunches consist of actual “crusts”- a metaphor for how us parents can often treat ourselves like leftovers or second thoughts.)

Meanwhile, my husband’s success as a runner was taking shape as the result of years of hard work. He had dropped a year of school in order to support me through graduate school and to raise our first child while I sat in a classroom in Costa Rica. We soon after moved to Flagstaff so he could pursue his dream of becoming a professional athlete. He squeezed his workouts in between 4am baby feedings, grad school and waiting tables. He saw his dream, and he went for it, balls to the wall ( ever caressed by Squirrel’s Nut Butter.)

In contrast (blame it on oxytocin or engrained societal norms) I felt like it was selfish for me to commit to any dream other than motherhood. I’d dable in writing here and there, ever-supported by my husband who could feel with tangibility how much happier I was when I gave myself attention. He would carve out hours from his increasingly busy schedule for me to write, but I always felt moored in liminality- unable to fully be me when a part of me was back home catching grasshoppers or crying over the fact that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is NOT an acceptable weekday breakfast.

And so I started the blog Chronicles of an Endurance Athlete’s Wife. Writing with purpose fulfilled a part of me that had been missing. But here’s the catch- I was writing as an extension of my husband, still missing a true sense of self.   Sure, a huge chunk of my identity is found in relation to my husband. He has been my biggest motivator throughout the past 10 years.  But Steph exists outside of being a supportive wife to an endurance athlete.  She is more than a barefoot and pregnant cheerleader.  My husband has always known this, but I’m only now starting to reimagine myself from outside of these self-imposed constructs.

Writing about the quirks, hardships and victories of being married to a successful athlete has helped me navigate through the years of liminality. And I hope, along the way, my words have helped some of you in similar situations. I even gave running a good old try for myself. In fact, I actually grew to love the sport in the interim between gasping for sweet oxygen after completing 2 miles and getting injured after a 25K race.. And still, in retrospect I see that diving into the world of endurance athletics was just another stab in the dark in trying to find my sense of self.

So now it’s time to figure out who Steph is, again. Not as a wife or mother, but just me. My babies are growing. I would never take back a minute of watching them learn- from the moment their wrinkled little hands grasped my index finger with intention, to the first drawing sketched in obtuse circles and displayed proudly as fine art, to first loves and skinned knees.

You are their whole world, but only fleetingly. Even with an 8 year old I can see how children slowly grow away from your epicenter and into their own beings. And while I don’t want to miss a moment- I feel like I need to do the same. I need to pry my helicopter-esque mothering hands from their growing little souls and give them some space- for their sake and mine. I’m beginning to realize that in a lot of ways, I give myself too much credit as a mother. At the end of the day, I think I need them more than they need me. Motherhood is a treacherously hard, yet straightforward identity to claim. I think it’s just not all of me.

I’m glad I was there for it all- good and bad- and will continue to be present. But I’m slowly realizing that I can have it all- myself, my husband and my kids. Three separate entities that are intrinsically enmeshed but still absolutely distinct. I just haven’t quite figured out how, yet.

So goodbye, at least from this medium. I’m off to write a book and love my babies and my husband and figure out who I am. It’s time.  Nothing will ever be as important as my family. Ever. But there are other things out there for me, too. And that’s okay. That’s okay.

56 Comments

  1. I know that whoever you find in this next journey will be a phenomenal woman! Best of luck!

  2. And so it begins…..show those babes how to be. Do for you what you want them to do for them. Show em how to be….themselves. If you are brave enough to follow your dreams, so will they.

  3. Every part of this rings true Steph, and it’s so relatable. I feel so blessed to be able to see and know first-hand the magnitude of all that you are and will become. Follow your bliss and believe that you can have it all and remeber that you have the insticts and wisdom to define that journey for yourself. I love you💜

  4. This. Made. Me. Cry. So wonderfully written, Steph! I am just beginning this journey and I know I will get to this point soon! Thanks for being an aspiring mama! xx

  5. Awaiting moderation

    Superb material. With thanks.

    lloyds pharmacy viagra generic viagra 25mg
    viagra for women
    viagra videa results – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  6. Awaiting moderation

    Good information, Many thanks.

    viagra and heart disease viagra for canadians
    viagra 100mg
    viagra triangle westlake ohio viva barcelona – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  7. Awaiting moderation

    Wow plenty of fantastic facts.

    celebrity endorsments viagra viagra and waldenstrom’s macroglobulinemia
    viagra online
    viagra demo video – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  8. Awaiting moderation

    Amazing lots of fantastic tips!

    taking viagra on airplane viagra levitra cialis stuffy nose
    generic viagra 100mg
    pharmacy viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  9. Awaiting moderation

    Truly lots of helpful facts!

    viagra paul thorn mp3 fake emails linking to viagra
    viagra for sale uk
    viagra prices in usa – https://genericviagrantx.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  10. Awaiting moderation

    Incredible plenty of valuable facts!

    slate prudie viagra viagra virus
    buy viagra online
    generic meltabs viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  11. Awaiting moderation

    You revealed that really well!

    25 and on viagra viagra cheap online physician
    viagra for women
    cheap canadian generic viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  12. Awaiting moderation

    Awesome forum posts. Thanks a lot.

    100mg red viagra viagra internet scam poland
    cheap viagra
    viagra and oxycontin – https://genericviagrantx.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  13. Awaiting moderation

    Nicely put. Kudos!

    viagra and vision viagra cost comparison virginia
    buy generic viagra
    fioricet soma tramadol viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  14. Awaiting moderation

    Nicely put, Thanks a lot!

    official viagra purchasing viagra in malaysia
    cheap viagra
    viagra for sale lancashire – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  15. Awaiting moderation

    Tips nicely considered!!

    online viagra quality after viagra
    viagra for women
    viagra cialis without doctors prescription – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  16. Awaiting moderation

    Wow plenty of terrific data.

    50mg viagra uk driving on viagra
    generic viagra 100mg
    harvick kevin viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  17. Awaiting moderation

    You mentioned it exceptionally well!

    viagra being a controlled substance viagra or cilas
    buy viagra
    internet viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  18. Awaiting moderation

    You mentioned it well!

    generic viagra sildenafil what’s best viagra cialis
    viagra without a doctors prescription
    can viagra maintain erection after ejaculation – https://genericviagrantx.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  19. Awaiting moderation

    You actually reported this well!

    result of viagra generic viagra is it real
    viagra online
    viagra trials private instruction – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  20. Awaiting moderation

    Regards, I value it.

    viagra and alcahol buy viagra sydney
    viagra generic
    u 6485 viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  21. Awaiting moderation

    You have made your point.

    viagra marketshare 2009 viagra r
    viagra online
    long term viagra use – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  22. Awaiting moderation

    You have made the point!

    making the most of viagra prices viagra
    generic viagra 100mg
    viagra natural substitute – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  23. Awaiting moderation

    Thanks a lot! I value this.

    low cost generic viagra blood pressure medication and viagra
    buy viagra
    united states viagra interaction flomax – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  24. Awaiting moderation

    Thanks, I value it.

    viagra cod dose of viagra for pulmonary hypertension
    buy generic viagra
    viagra american express – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  25. Awaiting moderation

    You actually said that well!

    gay viagra sex young viagra users
    buy generic viagra
    impotence and viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  26. Awaiting moderation

    You actually said that perfectly.

    viagra on sle buy viagra on line in uk
    buy generic viagra
    when does viagra patent end – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  27. Awaiting moderation

    Many thanks, Very good information!

    viagra prices virginia walmart mccain and viagra
    generic viagra
    viagra canadain – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  28. Awaiting moderation

    Wow loads of beneficial information.

    viagra tx for hypertension a penis on viagra
    viagra generic
    is generic viagra from india safe – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  29. Awaiting moderation

    Information well taken!!

    honolulu viagra lady viagra
    viagra for sale uk
    viagra pill cutter – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  30. Awaiting moderation

    Amazing all kinds of good info.

    viagra levitra cialis comparison buy viagra iframe src
    viagra without a doctor prescription
    does ptrx cover viagra – https://genericviagrantx.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  31. Awaiting moderation

    Terrific postings. Thank you.

    viagra for sale can i buy viagra online
    viagra for sale uk
    viagra size differences – https://genericviagrantx.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  32. Awaiting moderation

    Thanks, I enjoy it!

    viagra ans cialis viagra effect on heart
    cheap viagra
    how was viagra discoved – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  33. Awaiting moderation

    You explained it very well!

    viagra helps with pulmonary hypertension viagra in canada
    generic viagra 100mg
    viagra mail order prescriptions – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  34. Awaiting moderation

    Thanks a lot. I enjoy it.

    nude on viagra woman on viagra
    viagra 100mg
    viagra super activity – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  35. Awaiting moderation

    You definitely made the point!

    soma imitrex viagra levitra viagra on line purchase
    generic viagra
    virus viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  36. Awaiting moderation

    You’ve made your stand pretty nicely!!

    viagra pharma company will medicare pay for viagra
    viagra 100mg
    viagra and flomax – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  37. Awaiting moderation

    This is nicely put. !

    medicaid coverage viagra overnight shipping viagra
    viagra online
    get viagra free sample – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  38. Awaiting moderation

    Fine write ups. Thanks!

    viagra internet scam poland viagra sweat pass out
    generic viagra 100mg
    viagra introduced in – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  39. Awaiting moderation

    Lovely facts. Thanks!

    canada drugs viagra without prescription viagra use
    viagra pills
    how to get a viagra prescription – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  40. Awaiting moderation

    Appreciate it. Lots of posts!

    comprar viagra generico viagra racecar
    buy viagra online
    viagra spot – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  41. Awaiting moderation

    Whoa quite a lot of good material.

    viagra taken by women viagra order canada
    buy viagra
    is viagra good for you – https://genericviagrantx.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  42. Awaiting moderation

    You actually said this fantastically.

    find viagra edinburgh ago articleid good subconjunctival hemorrhage caused by viagra
    generic viagra 100mg
    women on viagra – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  43. Awaiting moderation

    You actually expressed this perfectly.

    buying viagra over the internet safe expired viagra pills
    viagra online
    natural products vs viagra review – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  44. Awaiting moderation

    Incredible lots of awesome advice.

    what is viagra medication viagra smiling bob t shirts
    generic viagra online
    camille west viagra in the water – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  45. Awaiting moderation

    Many thanks, I appreciate this!

    viagra generic mastercard precription india generic viagra buy one
    generic viagra online
    viagra ok scuba diving nitrogen – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  46. Awaiting moderation

    Regards! Fantastic stuff.

    medication viagra making viagra
    generic viagra 100mg
    effects viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  47. Awaiting moderation

    Awesome material. Regards!

    viagra vs prevacid does viagra canada
    generic viagra
    viagra by overnight delivery – https://genericviagramsl.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  48. Awaiting moderation

    Nicely put. Regards!

    women viagra arousal viagra homeopathic
    generic viagra
    best generic viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  49. Awaiting moderation

    Amazing a good deal of amazing material.

    harm of expired viagra charles linskaill find viagra free
    generic viagra online
    viagra and milwaukee public schools – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

  50. Awaiting moderation

    Terrific postings. Thank you!

    viagra home office photo ranbaxy viagra
    generic viagra online
    cialis levitra pharmacy viagra – https://genericviagrarcp.com

    GeraldEvolo
    Dwayneneery
    Kevinsow

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

*